Labels and Self-Esteem

This is my first post about mental health. I felt drawn to talk about how giving ourselves negative labels and saying bad things about ourselves takes a toll on our self-esteem. I will be digging deep into my life and talking about how negative labels have affected me. I will also be sharing the things that I learned as I started giving myself more positive labels. I know that thinking positively about yourself will help you be more confident and have more self-esteem.

Disclaimer: I often reference people in my mental health posts because of the impact they had on my life. They have affected me both positively and negatively. I don’t mean to hurt anyone by recalling the negative impacts they have had on me. I do not hold any grudges against these people. I only mean to share my point of view and how I felt at the time.

Part 1- Low Points

Insecurities. We all have them, and for me, they started in elementary school. I wasn’t bullied in elementary, nothing big happened that should affect me. I just noticed how some people were more social than me. They had perfect hair, nicer clothes, lots of friends, and they were never sad. They gained the “popular kids” label in my mind. I believe this is a real label we apply to people because we have seen what the popular kids do in movies and TV shows. When seeing them in real life it’s second nature to label them as popular too.

I was shyer as a kid. I didn’t feel like I fit in with those kids and I often gave myself negative labels like nerd and loser. What I didn’t realize was that by giving myself those labels, I was closing myself off from the possibility of making more friends. And I was diminishing myself. I was making myself feel worse about myself rather than better.

This pattern continued in middle school. I had hope that by going to middle school I could start over and have another chance at being one of the “cool kids.” I tried for some time but felt like I just wasn’t cut out to be a cool kid! So I backed off from that idea and started giving myself even more negative labels like not cool, not very pretty, not trendy, and weak. I one hundred percent believed these labels. They stopped me from doing so much!

In contrast, what kept me moving forward was other labels I’d been given like oldest child, example setter, and trailblazer. I needed to be a good student and a good person to show my siblings the way through life. And I felt the pressure to do so. These labels sound like positive titles, but they ended up making me feel a lot of pressure and anxiety. In addition, I was supposed to be a role model for my siblings, but I didn’t even have a role model to follow. I’ve never really had one, not even my parents for some reason, (I’m still trying to figure out why that is haha). It’s left me in a position where I often feel lost.

My family moved in the middle of my last year of middle school. I went to elementary and middle school with the same people for ten years, and then we were moving and getting a fresh start. I was excited and hopeful that with a clean reputation I would have a chance at being popular and looked at as a cool kid. This was a lot harder than I thought it would be. Being in a new school with twice as many students as my old school was pretty scary. I was so scared that I didn’t even try to talk to the popular kids. I literally had a popular boy come up to me and try to be friends with me. I was intimidated by how quick he was to talk to me, so I didn’t even try to be friends with him.

I finished out that last semester of middle school with some nice girls from my neighborhood. They had sought me out and invited me to sit with them at lunch. But the conversations they had I could never relate to. They would talk about fun things they did or cool movies they recently saw that I wasn’t allowed to watch. (Again oldest child, so we had strict rules.) I felt very lonely but also felt like I couldn’t leave their lunch table to sit with other people. So I would sit with them and think about how I must have a dull personality, be unrelatable, and be so lame because I didn’t watch the same movies that everyone else had seen.

As I moved into high school I hung around with the band kids because that was the one thing I did enjoy and I knew I could relate with them on a music level. More labels we added to the list as I tried to associate with them. I was too naïve to hang out with a group that tried to befriend me, told lots of dirty jokes I didn’t understand. I was dumb because of all the things I didn’t know about music compared to these masters. I wasn’t smart enough to hang out with the kids that took 5 AP classes and spent their whole lunch period doing homework. So as I was surrounded by the people and I was still didn’t have enough commonality to build a good friendship with them. This pattern of labeling myself and putting my status as too low to be friends with other people. I became really lonely, isolated, and anxious. I didn’t realize the anxiety was taking over my life.

This continued as I went into college and entered a music program. I think all college programs have the potential to be competitive in nature. Art programs have an even higher degree of competition. I found out that I was in the last chair and that was really hard for me to face. I was the worst flute player in the studio and I continued putting myself below others and giving myself labels. Some labels like amateur, the worst, and lacking talent.

I lived like this for a year before going on a mission for my church. I was nervous about this new life because I had never lived on my own before. As missionaries, we lived in groups of two brothers or two sisters. They call these companionships. The me and the first sister I lived with had a difficult time together for many reasons. I felt like I wasn’t being heard by her, and that my opinion didn’t matter. I soon added the titles of unimportant, has bad ideas, and sad to my list of titles. This situation eventually lead me to be very depressed and suicidal. At this point, I finally reached out for help. You can read more about this part of my story in my post about trauma and suicide coming soon.

I was with a different mission companion and I had a very different experience with her. From the moment I first saw her I was giving her so many positive labels in my mind. She was pretty, cool, outgoing, and “a popular girl.” As we got to know each other better and be real with each other, I started saying things to her like “wow you are so cool! I’m such a loser.” She would say to me “No, don’t say that! You are not a loser.” Then she would make me say five things I liked about myself. I couldn’t ever repeat them. I didn’t believe her at first, but I stopped saying those things so I wouldn’t have to say things I liked about myself. Haha. I was running out of good things to say. This is where the desire to have greater self-esteem really started.

I enjoy art and letting my creative juices flow. This is a word cloud I made with all of the negative labels I gave myself. I will admit that recalling these labels did hurt me a bit.

Part 2- Rays of Hope

The iceberg analogy is used to describe a problem or problems that someone is facing. At first, we can only see the tip of the iceberg, but as we dig deeper into the issue, we begin to see all of the problems that are hidden under the water. When talking to others and trying to help identify what they are really struggling with, this is an excellent method to use. By continuing to ask questions and trying to understand what they are going through, we can learn more about their deeper needs. I love this diagram found from ReasearchGate.net

Mendez-Fajardo, S. (2017, October). Figure 0 [The iceberg analogy for problem identification.]. Retrieved December 11, 2020, from https://www.researchgate.net/figure/The-iceberg-analogy-for-problem-identification_fig2_320719347

As I look back on my experiences, I think what I really wanted was friends, not to be popular. I have always had a hard time making friends, and this was my deeper need. With many problems people are having, they have a deeper need that needs to be fulfilled. Sometimes we know what that need is but we are afraid of talking about it. Sometimes we are too prideful to tell people what that problem is and we expect them to talk to us and get into a deep enough conversation for that need to come out. And sometimes we don’t even know what our need is. I thought I needed to be popular, but years later I realized that what I really needed was to be loved and befriended.

I had a best friend in first grade. We loved playing together and had so much fun! She moved over the summer between my first and second grade school years. I haven’t heard from her since. About 10 years later I was able to find a best friend. I really believe God helped me find him. It had been so long since I had a best friend that I didn’t even know what they looked like, or how to make friends. We could talk about anything and do anything together. That filled the need in my life for a best friend, but I was still conscious of all the labels I had. I also feel like though he complimented me a lot, those compliments didn’t boost my self-esteem. Building self-esteem had to start with me.

I have found a pattern in my life as I have solved issues in my life like building self-esteem, understanding why I have anxiety, seeing times I was struggling with anxiety but didn’t know it, etc. First I realized the problem. For me, it was with my second companion who made me say good things about myself. She had confidence in herself, and that made me realize how I wish I had that confidence. That was my problem, a lack of confidence. Then she helped me see that there were good things about me by making me say good things about myself. I don’t think she planned these things, but now that I look back, I can see how the small things added up to me making a change in my life.

Second, I reflected on my past. You already read about my past experiences leading up to this desire to change. I realize that when people like my parents would say “you are such a good example” and “you are so smart” that those phrases had a counter effect on me. Instead of feeling confident about being a good example, I felt like there was more I could do and be better at. Instead of feeling confident in my schoolwork and grades, I had to push myself to do even better. These small phrases of praise ended up fueling perfectionism in me. You can read more about perfectionism in my blog post coming soon.

Another thing I have learned from these experiences is that I wasn’t only judging myself, but I was judging other people. I was putting them in perfect light and putting me in the darkest light. It is true that we are the hardest on ourselves. We are mean to ourselves all the time! I have tried to judge people less and imagine that they are going through hard things just like I am. Remember that popular boy that talked to me in middle school? I thought he had it all! He had tons of friends, popularity, etc. Years later I found out that he was experiencing some anxiety in high school, and that his life really wasn’t perfect! He had lots of friends, but none that he could really talk to about the anxiety he was feeling. When it comes to friends, it’s always better to have a couple of close friends rather than a lot of friends. When it comes to judging others, remember that we only see the tip of the iceberg. Below the surface is all of their flaws and struggles.

Third, take the first step. This is the scariest step for me. Starting a journey to build self-confidence was a big commitment. For a long time, I didn’t want to start this journey because I felt like being confident in myself would lead to me being a prideful person. This held me back for years. I have learned the difference between confidence and pride. Being confident allows you to be kinder to yourself and recognize your self-worth. It is motivated by happiness, love, and gratitude. Being prideful allows you to boast about your talents, beauty, possessions, status, etc. It is motivated by putting others down so they will notice how good you are. I finally figured this difference out and then decided to take the first step. This verse of scripture from the Book of Mormon helped me. I think it can help anyone, religious or not.

“If ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words.” -Alma 32:27, Book of Mormon

Here is my “apply it to the situation” translation. Get up and try one thing that you think will help you gain self-confidence. Believe that trying that thing will help you. If you don’t believe that it will help you then have hope that it will. Let this hope churn in your mind until you do believe that it will help you gain self-confidence.

Well, I had to start somewhere so I did the only thing I could think of to help build confidence. I kept saying positive things about myself. At first, I didn’t believe it would really help. I hated saying these things because I felt like I was lying. I didn’t really think I was beautiful or smart or a good example. I was just saying lies and pretending I was those things. Regardless, I kept following the advice from the scripture. I kept saying good things about myself, and I kept having hope that one day I would be confident in myself. I learned to just fake it til’ I made it. I pretended I was beautiful and talented until I felt that I was and I didn’t feel like I was telling myself lies.

I learned from this positive label experiment to focus more on my good qualities than bad. When focusing on everything you aren’t it really gets you down and depressed about how awful of a person you are. By looking at the things you are good at, even if they are only two or three things, you will feel happier about yourself, and start looking for more positive things about yourself.

The last thing I realized while going through the process of thinking positively about myself is that labels can’t be given by other people, only by you. People tried to give me positive labels. They said so many nice things about me, but I didn’t believe or accept them. I had to go through the process of thinking positively about myself and removing the negative labels in order to gain labels that many had given me years ago. I gave myself some positive labels like pretty, musically talented, creative, kind, peacemaker, cute, loving, dedicated, organized, reliable, responsible, quick learner, problem solver, teacher, good listener, multitasker.

Here is a word cloud with the positive labels I gave myself. I felt a lot better about this word cloud, and I realize that looking at them side by side helps me see the progress I have made.

I was able to start acting and being my true self once I gained these positive labels. I like to be funny and talk in weird voices and do weird things. Because I broke free of all my negative labels, I was able to be myself and be happy instead of trying to please other people with how I acted, dressed, talked, etc. This has been incredible for me! I have been able to make decisions based on what I want to do with my life and not worry about what other people will think. Being confident in yourself helps you be confident in your decisions. Read more about decision making in my post coming soon.

I hope you enjoyed this post and learned something about self-esteem and positive thinking. I encourage you to find one thing you liked from this post and start experimenting with it. I know it will improve your life. With everything you do, remember to be patient. Things will get better. This whole process took about a year for me. It may be longer, or shorter for you. Hold on and keep trying.